


Solace

by Thistlerose



Series: On the Blind Side of the Heart [1]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: F/M, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Missing Scene, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-08
Updated: 2012-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-29 05:39:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of the Christmas Eve War, the Gundams have been declared obsolete. Duo is torn between destroying Deathscythe and keeping it so that he can protect the people he cares about the only way he knows how.   (Written in 2002.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solace

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains sex, but it's non-explicit (hence the teen+ rating, instead of mature). Both characters are 15 or 16 years old, and may be considered underage in some places.

Neither of us spoke as we made our way back to the house, him stalking, me sort of loping awkwardly after him. The only thing I could hear was my own heavy breathing and our feet crunching the snow. I wanted to tell him to slow down, but I didn't want to be barked at. Not out in the snow, anyway. I knew at this point that barking was inevitable, but I wanted him to save it until we were inside and warm, at least.

So instead of trying to talk to him, I looked at the scenery we were hurrying past. It could have been a November day on Earth; thick grey clouds scudded across a bruised-looking sky, and a light dusting of snow covered the ice-rimed reservoir. I grew up on the Earth, so sometimes it's hard for me to believe that the weather is controlled by humans. It's even harder to believe the Colonial Council of L2-X34 spent three hours yesterday trying to decide whether or not the colonists would object to snow in November. I'd had to walk out of that one. That was the second time in a row I'd walked out. Today was the third.

Duo found his voice as soon as we got back to the house.

"Fucking stupid damned...!"

While he swore in the den, I made tea. I'd never seen him so angry and I was a little frightened. I wanted to give him some time alone to cool down before I tried to talk to him, so I waited in the kitchen for a few extra minutes. When he finally quieted I picked up the tea mugs and walked slowly into the den.

I found him slumped on the sofa, his head bowed. He looked up when he heard me enter, though, and he flashed me a limp smile. I set the tea down in front of him. "Thank you," he muttered.

He was really hurting. It was so obvious, and it hurt me to see him that way. I love him--but I've never told him that, and I don't think he knows--and I admire him more than anyone I've ever met. What the Council asked of him today--demanded, I should say--was cruel. But I think I'm the only one who knows how cruel.

After watching him sip his tea for a few moments I said, as neutrally as I could, "So, what are you going to do?"

He leaned back against the sofa cushions, cradling the mug in his hands. "I don't know. I mean," he said, staring at the mug's contents, "there shouldn't really be any question about it, right? I promised Quatre. Besides, the Gundams are obsolete. Earth and the Colonies are at peace."

I sat down next to him, but I didn't touch him. I said, softly, "But the Council's offer was tempting."

"Call it what it really is, Hil. They all but ORDERED me to turn Deathscythe over to them. 'Just as a precautionary measure,'" he mimicked sarcastically. "Precautionary my ass. More like paranoid."

"But I can see how it's sort of tempting, too. You WOULD be in charge of Deathscythe's maintenance. And if it was ever needed again... Besides, Deathscythe...he, I mean it...was your partner."

The look he gave me was pure poison. I recoiled, startled. "Hilde," he snarled, "you don't understand ANY of it AT ALL." Then he slammed his mug down on the table, jumped to his feet, and stalked out of the den.

I sat there for a moment, stunned. Then I jumped to my feet, too, and hurried after him.

I followed him as far as the front doorway. Then I just stood there watching him stand in the falling snow, his head and shoulders bowed. He looked so lost, so far away. I wanted to go to him and throw my arms around him--something I've only done once before, almost a year ago when he told me about his past--but I couldn't move.

I was ashamed of myself for what I'd been thinking about earlier. _If he destroys his Gundam,_ I'd thought, _what's to keep him here with me on L2?_ It was true. His heart wasn't in the salvaging business. He only did it as a front and because it made finding parts for Deathscythe relatively easy. If Deathscythe were gone...he could go anywhere, do anything. He wouldn't have to stay with me. On the one hand, I wanted more than anything for him to be free of the hell that went with being a Gundam pilot. On the other hand, I didn't want to lose him.

Presently he called, without turning around, "Get out here, Hil." I pushed open the door and went to join him outside.

It was COLD. I'd lost track of how long I'd stood in the doorway watching him. If my teeth were chattering, and I'd just stepped outside, how must he feel?

I put my hand on his arm. He was trembling.

"Duo..."

"You don't get it at ALL," he said again, gruffly. "I don't want to keep Deathscythe. We're not partners. I HATE Deathscythe."

Wow. That was something I'd never imagined he'd ever say. When he talked to his Gundam--and he DID talk to it frequently--it was always "ol' buddy" and "pal".

"Why?" I squeaked, squeezing his arm tighter.

When he looked down at me he didn't seem angry. Just tired, and very sad. "Think about it, Hilde. Think about what that thing represents. War. Death. Loss. I never really wanted to be a part of that, but I always figured...hey, better me than someone else. Someone like you. But on the other hand, Deathscythe was the only way I knew how to protect people I cared about."

Despite the snow and the frozen wind, I felt a little thrill of warmth. He DID care about me. Well, I'd always known that. But to hear him say it with THAT voice, with THOSE eyes... I was pretty close to melting, but I said in a sturdy voice,

"I was trained as a soldier, you know. They didn't make me an officer at age fifteen for nothing. I think you'll find most people are capable of protecting themselves."

He shook his head. "I LIKE protecting people, though. I want to keep doing it. I just hate the WAY I've been doing it. When I was angry before--and I'm still angry, just so you know--it wasn't because of the stupid fucking Council. I mean, they're a bunch of idiots. But I already made up my mind that Quatre's right and the Gundams need to be destroyed. I just...when they said I could keep Deathscythe, I started thinking again..." He drew a deep breath. "I never told you, Hil, when I was in Wing Zero...I SAW stuff. Heero said the system makes you see the future. I saw myself losing control and attacking everything in sight...including you." I shivered. "But if it weren't for Deathscythe, I wouldn't have been able to save you from those suits--whateveryacallum."

"If I hadn't been a stupid fool you wouldn't have had to save me." I was trembling all over. But he was trembling even more. I wanted to give him some word of hope, anything that would give him confidence in his decision. I said, without bothering to consider whether or not it was appropriate, "No one ever protected you, did they, Duo?"

He made a small sound, not quite a gasp.

I didn't think. I just picked up his cold hand and kissed it.

He looked at me, his eyes wide. He looked frightened. I held on.

"Hilde, what are you...?"

"Let me," I said. The cold wind made my voice sound rough, which wasn't how I wanted it to sound. But he let me.

I breathed over the cold, stiff fingers, warming them with my breath. I turned his hand over and kissed the palm, and then his wrist. All I heard was the wild beating of my heart, and maybe his. "We should go inside," I muttered as another fierce gust of wind lashed my shoulders. Damn weather system. If they wanted snow, couldn't they at least idealize it?

When we got inside I kissed him again, on the cheek. And again he let me, not moving, not saying anything. I thought, _This is REALLY going to change our friendship, no matter WHAT happens._ And I cared because I treasured our friendship, but I couldn't stop myself. I had to give this to him--my warmth, my confidence.

Solace.

I took his hand and led him into my bedroom. I closed the door behind us, then I made him sit down on the bed. He looked up at me again, again with those frightened twilight-colored eyes.

"What are you doing?" he asked shakily.

"I don't know," I replied honestly. "I'll do whatever you like, though. Tell me what to do."

He was silent for a moment. My whole body shook. My legs felt as though they were turning to water and might rush out from under me at any second. Finally he said in a small voice, "Hilde...hug me?"

I put my arms around him and hugged him close. After a moment I felt one of his hands touch my hair, and the other the small of my back.

"This isn't right," he whispered. "I'm leaving tomorrow. I told Quatre I'd meet him...and bring Deathscythe."

"It's all right," I insisted, hugging him tighter. "I need to give you something."

"But like this, Hil?"

"Like what?" I replied and began to stroke his back.

"Like..." He struggled for the words. While he did, I tugged his shirt free of the waistband of his pants. I stroked the soft skin I had exposed. He inhaled sharply.

"I'll make a deal with you," I said. "Trust me. Let me do what I want. But if I...if I go too far, just tell me and I'll stop, okay?" Oh God, WHAT was I doing? We'd kissed only once before, at that New Year's party on MO-II after the war ended. Well, HE'D kissed ME, and I'd been too surprised to do anything more than grin like an idiot. And that had been after a few cups of champagne, and we were all feeling pretty giddy and stupid after winning the war. Still, I remembered the way his eyes positively danced when he twirled me around that rooftop under that sky full of fireworks. I remembered the smile that lit his face when he KNEW his battle was over. I wanted his eyes to look that way again. I wanted to give him that smile back.

I felt him nod his consent against my shoulder.

I unwound my arms from around his neck and climbed onto the bed. I crawled around behind him and untied the knot at the end of his braid. I untwisted the silky, coppery stuff and ran my fingers through it. He tilted his head back and sighed.

 _Don't think about the Gundam_ , I thought at him. _Don't think about the stupid Council, or Quatre, or anything. Don't think._

"Is it okay if I take your shirt off?" I asked. He hesitated, then nodded again.

I massaged his back, trying not to look at the many thin scars that stood out against the paleness of his skin. I talked as I did this, about my home on the Earth, my childhood, the scrapes I got into when I was training as an officer. It was mostly nervous chatter, and he'd heard it all before, but silence would have made it even more awkward and he told me he liked it, when I paused to apologize for rambling. I WANTED him, damn it. I wanted to press my naked body to his and kiss away the troubled frown from his lips. But this was supposed to be about solace. Solace for him, not for me.

In the end, though, I took advantage of him, of his need. It wasn't something I DECIDED to do. It just sort of...began, and then I couldn't bring myself to stop it.

It started when I made him lift his arms so I could see his ribs--I wanted to touch every inch of him. And I saw that awful long, jagged cicatrix and the discolored skin around it. And I started to cry. Whatever physical companionable comfort I could give him, I knew I couldn't erase the pain of that old wound, or any of the others. And it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair.

He heard me crying, of course, and turned around to look up at me. "Don't, Hilde," he said, smiling sadly and touching my cheek. I couldn't stop. "Hilde, you're embarrassing me."

"Sorry," I blubbered. "I feel so stupid. I'm sorry."

He leaned up and kissed my left cheek. Then he kissed my right one. I hiccuped. He kissed my lips, his own as light and tentative as spring air. I hiccuped again. Then I kissed him back.

Things happened very quickly after that. I honestly can't remember everything we did or how we got to where we ended up. I remember him pulling me into his arms, and then the two of us falling onto the bed. I remember his hands on my body, touching my hair, my face, my waist. I remember getting his belt buckle tangled in his hair and him laughing as I tried to untangle it. I remember his sharp inhalation after I'd pulled my own shirt off and tossed it aside.

"I know," I said, wrinkling my nose. "They're tiny."

I don't know if he heard me. He said, "God, your skin is so soft." Then he kissed the scar on my shoulder, one of the ones I got when the Vayate and the Mercurius attacked my Taurus.

I remember him asking--probably around the time I kicked my pants off and started to pull his down--"Hilde, have you done this before?"

I nodded. "Have you?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"The same one you asked me. Have you?"

To my surprise, he shook his head. For some reason, I hadn't expected that. He'd always seemed so worldly.

"Are you nervous?" I whispered.

"A little. Are you?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Should we stop?"

"It's up to you. I don't want to stop." God, I sounded so in control! I really, really wasn't.

"I don't want to stop. But what happens after we...?"

"Why don't we worry about that after we..." I put my arms around his neck and pulled his mouth down to mine.

I wrote it in my diary once--many, many months ago--that Duo was only ever perfect in my dreams. Even in my fantasies he wasn't perfect. He always did something dumb, or something dumb happened to him because that was just how he was. Not that night, though. And that wasn't even a fantasy. It was REAL. And he was perfect. He was absolutely perfect.

* * * *

I don't know what time it was exactly when I woke. Pre-dawn, judging from the light. For a second I completely blanked out about last night, although I did wonder why I was naked and why the blanket was such a mess. Then I looked up and saw Duo sitting on the edge of the bed, shrugging into his shirt. I spluttered something completely unintelligible and clutched the blanket to my chest.

He turned around. "Hi, babe," he said quietly.

 _We're back to 'babe'_ , I thought, not sure I liked what that implied. In the past he'd only ever used my real name when he was serious or worried about something.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "It's so early."

"I have to go." He ducked his head, so I couldn't see his expression, and busied himself with rebraiding his hair.

"Go where?" I demanded. "It's so early." Then I remembered. "You're going to meet Quatre. So the two of you can destroy the Gundams."

He nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Why? You told me you were leaving. And it makes sense for you to leave early before the Council figures out you're not going to comply with its orders and sends people after you." I sounded awfully sharp. I didn't mean to snap at him; I was angry with myself.

"I'll come back," he said. My expression must have confused him. "If you want me to."

"Come back if YOU want to," I said. "You won't need the garage anymore, though, once Deathscythe is gone."

"If I come back I'll be in a shitload of trouble with the Council. But I'll come back. Not for the garage."

I flushed. He wasn't making it easy. Didn't he get it? "Duo," I said crossly, "about last night. I just want to say..."

"I'm coming back, Hilde." He reached behind his neck. I thought he was straightening his collar. But when his hands came away I saw that they were holding something small that shone dully in the predawn light. It was his crucifix, the one Father Maxwell had given him as a child. He held it toward me. It was a moment before I realized he wanted me to take it.

"Duo, I can't."

"Take it."

"But you don't owe me anything. Last night was amazing. Let's leave it at that." I looked away. _I love you_ , I wanted to say. _Please take me with you_. But I knew he'd never suggest it, and I wasn't going to beg. Also, I didn't want him to come back because he'd left something precious with me. I wanted him to come back for ME.

"I'm leaving the cross right here on the night table, Hil. Hilde, are you listening? It's my promise. I want you to promise me something, too, Hil." He bent over me and forced me to look up. "Stay here," he said. "I mean it. If anyone from the Council asks, you don't know where I've gone. You got that?" I nodded. "Also...if anything happens, I mean if more fighting breaks out for some reason, promise me you'll stay out of it. Promise me you'll stay HERE. You're my rock, Hilde. Promise me." His fingers dug into my shoulders. He shook me once, hard.

"I promise," I said.

He kissed me one more time, then he let me go. I didn't watch him leave. I buried my head under my pillow so I wouldn't hear the door close behind him.

* * * *

I must have fallen asleep again, because when I lifted the pillow, the sun was shining in my face. I crawled out of bed, threw on a t-shirt and a pair of wrinkled boxers, and shambled into the kitchen. Didn't matter what I looked like, after all. I poured myself a glass of orange juice, toasted myself a bagel, and slumped into a chair.

I felt so wretched, for the way I acted and for being left alone.

It didn't seem real that he was gone. He hadn't taken any of his stuff with him; it was still all over the place. Maybe a little later in the day I would do some cleaning. For once there'd be some order to this house. At the moment, though, I couldn't budge to pick up one of his shirts from where he'd left it, lying on the floor.

I love him. But I didn't know if I could keep my promise to him. Because of an older promise, one I made to myself when I became a soldier, that I would do whatever I could to protect the people I love, even at the cost of my life. I hoped a day would never come when I would have to choose between my promise to Duo and my promise to myself. I hoped that weird moment of pessimism that came over him right before he left wasn't a precognition.

I wished I knew what last night meant to him. If he came back, would it be for love, or a sense of obligation? (Or friendship, if we hadn't ruined it...)

I was his rock, he said. But how do you make love to a rock?

I loved him, but I couldn't stand being left behind.

So I made a third promise, a compromise between the other two. I promised I would wait for him as long as I could, because I owed it to him. But I wouldn't wait forever.

02/04/02


End file.
